Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Its too much to handle

I have always wanted to be happy. When I am by myself, I am happy. When I am with my boyfriend, I am happy. When I am with my friends, I am happy. The possible thing in this world that makes me the most sad is my family. Whenever I talk about my family, I can easily cry. Not just any crying. Its those when you hear the crying sound, it makes you want to cry so badly too.

A lot of people dont like hearing me talk bad about my family. Others believe families are families. But there are families that are too much to handle. Not all families are happy. Of course I want mines to be happy. Since I was a child, I have always tried my very best to make everything happy and good. For that reason, they find me very annoying. I always smile in front of them. Always joke. Doesnt matter how hard I try to act happy and fun, they think I am too much to handle. They think that I cannot be serious. They think that I am lazy. They think that I have a bad attitube. They think that that I think of everything as a joke.

From that point on, I stopped trying. Doesnt matter how hard I try to make things good in this family, it will never be appreciated. I clean the house and they have no idea. I dont clean the house, they get upset at me for being lazy. I got fired for some really stupid reason in this world but they claim it was me who gave my boss bad attitube thats why I got fired. To them, I will never be good for them.

As a child, my parents told me that they tend to yell and pick on me more than my sibling. Great! thats what you tell a 7 year old kid. When I get upset with something, they always think I overreact. When my siblings get upset with something, they think its so sad.

Whenever anyone in this family gets sick, theres always someone to take care of them and of course my parents ordered me to do so. and Of course I was very much willing too.. However, tell me why. tell me why everytime when I get sick, no one cared. I had to make my own food and they have the gust to tell me to make them some.

It's not that I want to hate on my family. I dont want that. If I can choose, of course I want a happy family but the truth is, I have a messed up family. My siblings are selfish people. Its all about them. My parents have their own idea and image of me. Doesnt matter how much I try to change their idea of me, it just make it worse.

I want to whin to someone about how hard it is to be in this family. Whenever they get upset, why is it that they always come to me and point their fingers at me. How come they cant go to my brothers and sisters. How come when the house is not cleaned, it all my fault. Am I the only person who lives here?

I want to cry so badly now but I cant. I know that once I cry, its not gonna stop and its gonna be a big crying moment. In other words, I will have big gold fish eyes. They are too much to handle. I am always sad when I'm at home.