Monday, January 12, 2009

From today

I feel so small.

I am getting older and wiser. I am trying to look for a nice ring around and less than 50 dollars. LOLZ yes its kinda cheap but I just need something on my finger to remind me one thing. I need to love myself and let myself be myself. I cannot always adjust to people's. I cannot always do what others want me to do. OR put myself down and lower my own standards to please others. I cannot be afraid to be who I am. I cannot be afraid of being alone.

I hope to find a ring tomorrow. I told myself that I wasn't going to buy anything because I want to save but this ring means a lot to me. I need to buy one. Not diamond. I wish but no money. Without a ring, I can still remind myself of that but I like to have it on my finger 24/7. Maybe I am reminding myself a little more than just one thing.

She is gone. please RIP. Everyone will always remember you.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

third time crying. I really really feel so sad


My ex-bf of one year and two month elder sister died of blood cancer. I found out today from one of my friend. She told me that hes going to her church. She passed away on May 2008. I know her and I hung out with her before. I cannot remember what we did but she was nice and always sweet to me. I saw her as a sister. I always wanted a sister. She was someone I looked up to when I was still with my last bf. She was only 26 when she passed away. She got a transplant but unfortunately, after a month, it didnt work out for her. She passed away.

When I heard about it, I was like "NO WAY!!, she only 27" but reality is reality. My heart felt sour and my eyes were crazily watery. I wanted to cry but it didnt hit me that hard yet until I got home and started thinking whether I should email him to give him my best regards. In the end I did. After my email to him, my friend called me to give me a link about her cancer. I read it and started crying so badly. My friend soon sent me another link of what my ex sister wrote. That got me crying more and harder. I know where she works and every time when I drive by her work place, I always thought about her. She was always in my mind. I truly saw her as a sister.

AFter talking to my friend about this matter, I stopped crying. They comforted me that she is in a better place. I was like WAIT A MINUTE. Why am I this sad. I was really sad. I was sad that how can such a bright person with such a wonderful heart pass away with a chance to live but that chance of transplant was just a lie. Thats hurtful. I soon stopped crying. But almost an hour and a half, I started thinking about it again and I cried again.

I am so sad how life can be so easy...How can she have such a rare disease that maybe 1 person out of 1000 people may have it. If I knew about this earlier, I would love to visit her and get my blood tested and campaign her situation to all Asian students for help.

I dont really know why I am so sad after so many years since we broke up. I wish him and his family the best. It breaks my heart to know that she had a chance but that chance was just a joke. Please Rest in peace.

I treasure everything I have. AT least I try my very best. It makes me sad to know that some people out there still dont understand how to treasure their loving ones. Please, life is short, treasure all you have now.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Just excited

I got all my grades. I am very happy with them because I got two unexpected good grades. I thought I was gonna get a C- or not pass but I got way better than a C-. Did professors turn GOOD? Overall, I got really good grades.

Work is boring. I like to be full time or at least more flexible. LIKE, let me work more during breaks but I cannot because I am required to work the hours I have. sucks. I want another part time job.

Boyfriend....NO comment. I know how to love him and at the same time, I truly know how to hate his guts. nothing went wrong. I am just saying it.

Family. one word, worries. Please let it pass as soon as possible.

School. I will be getting my classes on Thursday. Hopefully, I get the professor I want. ONLY four classes and I am so DONE!! I hope they are good and easy professor.

Life. kinda boring but kinda relaxing. I am done with my RPG game. It's kinda fun.

I think I am getting FAT!! People never believe me but I know my body better than anyone out there. I am getting FAT. o well....I'm too lazy. I'll let it burn its own fat...slowly..HAHAHA

I have been sleeping really late.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

So much better

Its so strange how things work.

After whinning, chatting with a friend online and overnight, I felt so much better about everything.

One thing bad about me--> I think too deep and care too much about my feelings. I am so stubborn that I want things the way I like it. I cannot be like this because no one is prefect and I cannot always get what I want. I need to adjust to whatever is happening. I look too into the future and thats kinda a bad thing because I want the future to be the way I want it. Stubborn I say. SO bad.

I should just let things flow. For many years, I told myself that I need to let things flow. I cannot control anything. I cannot always get what I want. Actually, I usually dont get what I want anyways. SO. I need to relax and just let things be the way it is. Same with people.

I cannot expect my bf to make me feel the way I want to feel. I cannot expect him to treat me the way I have never been treated before. I want it so badly but again, I cannot always get what I want. Maybe I should just relax and let the relationship flow the way it should. I always rush things and I know that. I clearly see what is wrong with the relationship and I know what he and I want. I know how to fix it but I cannot work it alone. You cannot clap with only one hand. NOW, maybe for now, I should just relax and let it grow without rushing.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

A cold day

Today is one cold day. I cannot remember the last time I was this cold. Its getting cold again. WHY! I kinda want it to rain.

How I feel today?

For some reason, I feel kinda lonely. I have no idea why. I went to play badminton with bf and his friends. No reasons to feel lonely right. My right arm is hurting so I didnt play much.

I hate it when couples act so close in front of their friends and calling each other names that I just cannot stand. you know, those couple names that only couples call each other. Not to be mean now but GET A ROOM. I sat in front of them and thats kinda not a good thing. Its really sweet that they're showing each other how much they love each other but please, show some respect to your friends and not show that to us. We dont need to see any action or hear anything.

I always feel unappreciated. I don't know why I always feel that way. It's an expectation. I am trying to stop having any kind of expectation for anything because its bad to have any. When you get what you want, of course you're happy BUT when you don't, that's when it sucks.

I am so straightforward about everything. I will tell you if I dont like something. I always try my best to understand the inner me. In fact, I think I understand it a little too much. I know what I want and I know what I like and dislike. That sounds like a good thing but at times, its bad. Things cannot always go the way I want it and when it doesnt, I get upset because I know what I want and dislike. AND thats bad... for example my bf, whenever I feel upset and mad or whatever I feel, I will for sure let him know. He dont see it as sharing and communicating, (I think) he may see it more like whinning and complaining. Eventually, he gets annoyed.

I am the kind of person that I need to share my bad feelings in order to feel better. I dont like that about myself. I really want to keep some of the stuff to myself but it is bad to keep it.

NEW YEAR resolution --> be less straightforward and try to stop sharing your feelings with others.

However, I still feel thankful for being who I am today. I know how to appreciate and I know how to be thankful. Although, I may complain or whin about this and that, I am still thankful. I am not prefect. I am only a human.

Friday, January 2, 2009


I dont understand. I think guys are selfish people. I feel that guys always want their gf to do almost everything with them but when it comes doing something the gf like, they back away.

Girls will alway call the guy but guys will never try to take some time out to make a call.
Girls get worry about the guy but guys say they care and show nothing more than just saying it.
Guys like to say things and promise things without any action to back it up. In other word, BULLSHIT.
Guys always say that you are so important to them but never make you feel important

YES! I sound like I am mad..not upset. It's like WTF is wrong with you? Its such a little thing to do. Just a call to let me know about whats going on so that when I try to call you and you're not picking up, I know where you are without worrying so much. thats not fully why.

Guys likes to be cared for but never seem to care much about the girls.
Guys get mad because the gf got mad. HELLO!!
Girl gave attitube to the guy and the guy gets mad and say that its the girls problem because she gave attitube to the guy when the guy got the girl mad first. WTF
When guy finally do something sweet to the girl and girl dont seem to appreciate it and the guy gets mad and say to the girl "you're not appreciating what I am doing" DUH! that sounds familar says the girl.
Guys alway say that they understand but when it comes to it, they dont
When you're sick, the guy said "get well soon" THE END.
When the guy is sick, the girl said "get well soon" along with soup, visits, look over the poor sick person and so much more. WOW what a big difference.

YES!! I still sound upset. I just feel so invisible. I hate this feeling inside of me. It totally killing me. I want to be carefree. year resolution..COMON just let me whin and let me feel a little better after typing all these.

Happy New Year

2009 is a special year for my friends and I because most of us are graduating from college and moving on to a whole new stage of our life. =D some may move onto a master degree and others may work and maybe get marry. I may consider a master degree but I am not a school person so I must think deep into it. However, I will for sure work.

I feel happy and excited. However, the bad economy makes it a little hard to be excited. I was planning to go Hawaii for my graduation rather than walking on stage but now, no stage and no hawaii. Maybe a little mini trip or none at all. I'm a little disappointed but at the same time, I gotta do what I gotta do right? =) I will try my best!

I got three out of five grades. So far, I am very happy with them. It's what I expected. The last two grades, I am a little worry about them. I did not work as hard in these two classes than the other three. I hope for the best and if I dont do good or dont pass at all, its not a big deal, I can re-take or take something else to replace them. I just want to pass, haha, just give me a C- or whatever it takes to pass me. its expected.

NEW YEARS EVE. I had alot of fun. I planned to go watch fireworks but we ended up not doing that. In the beginning of the night, I got so upset with my bf but in the end, everything turned out just fine. I went to my bf's house and his friends came over to have a little party. The gfs and I had fun playing wii. I joined the bfs to take some shots (tequila) but soon, I joined the gfs with some the end of the night..I felt nothing...

I am just waiting to add my last semester classes and hope I can get all of them. I better. I only need four more. However, if I dont pass one or two of those two classes, that will be five or maybe six. Still good.

My new year resolution:
1) work hard in school
2) save money..more money
3) learn to control self emotion (hehehe)
4) be more carefree
5) have a little fun here and there