Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Its too much to handle

I have always wanted to be happy. When I am by myself, I am happy. When I am with my boyfriend, I am happy. When I am with my friends, I am happy. The possible thing in this world that makes me the most sad is my family. Whenever I talk about my family, I can easily cry. Not just any crying. Its those when you hear the crying sound, it makes you want to cry so badly too.

A lot of people dont like hearing me talk bad about my family. Others believe families are families. But there are families that are too much to handle. Not all families are happy. Of course I want mines to be happy. Since I was a child, I have always tried my very best to make everything happy and good. For that reason, they find me very annoying. I always smile in front of them. Always joke. Doesnt matter how hard I try to act happy and fun, they think I am too much to handle. They think that I cannot be serious. They think that I am lazy. They think that I have a bad attitube. They think that that I think of everything as a joke.

From that point on, I stopped trying. Doesnt matter how hard I try to make things good in this family, it will never be appreciated. I clean the house and they have no idea. I dont clean the house, they get upset at me for being lazy. I got fired for some really stupid reason in this world but they claim it was me who gave my boss bad attitube thats why I got fired. To them, I will never be good for them.

As a child, my parents told me that they tend to yell and pick on me more than my sibling. Great! thats what you tell a 7 year old kid. When I get upset with something, they always think I overreact. When my siblings get upset with something, they think its so sad.

Whenever anyone in this family gets sick, theres always someone to take care of them and of course my parents ordered me to do so. and Of course I was very much willing too.. However, tell me why. tell me why everytime when I get sick, no one cared. I had to make my own food and they have the gust to tell me to make them some.

It's not that I want to hate on my family. I dont want that. If I can choose, of course I want a happy family but the truth is, I have a messed up family. My siblings are selfish people. Its all about them. My parents have their own idea and image of me. Doesnt matter how much I try to change their idea of me, it just make it worse.

I want to whin to someone about how hard it is to be in this family. Whenever they get upset, why is it that they always come to me and point their fingers at me. How come they cant go to my brothers and sisters. How come when the house is not cleaned, it all my fault. Am I the only person who lives here?

I want to cry so badly now but I cant. I know that once I cry, its not gonna stop and its gonna be a big crying moment. In other words, I will have big gold fish eyes. They are too much to handle. I am always sad when I'm at home.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Thoughts of the Day

How come when you don't want to think about something, you just tend to think even more about it.

How come when you don't want to know about something, you tend to want to know.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Thoughts of the Day

Its very interesting how things turn out. Things you want, you might not get. Things you dont want, you might get. Thats just how it works.

Live life with little expectation. Expectation helps move us to a direction that we hope to move toward. Too much expectation will create a bad result. Too much expectation will turn stubborn. Being stubborn will truly blind you from your true self. No expectation means life is just nothing. Life is more than nothing.

A little everyday will make everyday seem a little more interesting.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Hate groups

One thing I hate about school is group project.

I seriously hate doing group projects. Some people are just a lot to handle. First of all, how hard is it to do your part? Second, how hard is it to turn your parts in time like others? third of all, how hard is it to listen and compromise.

Due date to email slides to every member is Sunday and now almost Tuesday. comeon. and they're in college? Some people are just not willing to take ideas from other people.

Is it really that hard to compromise and work together like a group of people. OR is it just human's nature to not work together?

Sorry to say this but some people are seriously STUPID. How can you add something fun (she said like games, quizzes and something to make our topic more interesting) when you're presenting a sensitive topic to your fellow classmates. Most classmate expressed that our topic is pretty interesting and one of my group member is doubting her own project. common..

Monday, April 27, 2009

Now i can post my message using my phone. :)

It has been long

I decided to write today.

A lot has happened and I have no idea where to start.

I got a huge promotion. I am so happy for myself and the fact that they believe in me. However, I'm kinda scared that I cannot live up to the standard. But I know I have to try. What surprise me the most is that, they are willing to give me 6 months to try the position out and see if I like it. As they claim, they said that if I dont like it they will find another position for me. They make it sound so easy but its not and we all know it. They are trying to make me feel less scared. So nice and sweet of them. So in June, I will still be part time until July 1 to be full time. I want to ask them. So when I'm part time and full time does that mean my paycheck gonna go up and up..or its just gonna be the same as now.

The truth is, I care more about the pay check than the job it self. No, Dont get me wrong, I like the position and its gonna be very challenging but I need to watch my wallet and save as much money as possible for future plans.

They are so nice to me. I dont need to deal with HR and they all will take care of it for me. I feel extremely lucky. In the end, its all worth working here for 5 years. I dont really know my new supervisor and I hope hes nice. One day, I will visit him to introduce myself. I had a bad experience with a man supervisor back in 2003. He and I just dislike each other so much. Hopefully, this one not gonna be the same. But I know I have a lot of people at work to back me up.

I started working here July 5, 2004. I was still a young and naive girl. I was scared and my head was not as high as I am now. I was a little girl and now I am glad to say that I am a woman or maybe in between ^_^. Everyone here saw my change. They are so proud of me and I am too. They make me seem like I am so good at this and that but for some reason, I dont really see that in myself. Low self-esteem? I guess I still have some of that. I used to have no confident, low self-esteem, etc but now everything changed. Thankz to my mentor. She truly taught me a lot. Everyone at work are GREAT.

After graduation, its gonna be a whole new stage. I wonder when I'm gonna start working there but first we need to hire an intern and I get to interview and pick them. NICE!!!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

After All

I havent been updating. I saw a friends blog and hes telling people to update. SO here I am.

Next week will be spring. I am so excited to not have school but I still have to study for exam. A lot of projects.

I am also excited and somewhat worry about this one thing happening. I still need to work a long time from now to see how it turn out.

Everything seems fine. I have a lot more responsibility at work. I am happy for that. Hmm..They are still discussing whether they will hire me and fit me into the City budget. hopefully but its okay. At least I still have this part time job.

For some reason, I have been spending. Not a lot but been spending. I want to stop spending and stop using money but hmm..kinda hard. It seems to me that I need a lot of stuff. Hahaha...Maybe its my nature.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Close friends will need to be apart

I don't have a lot of friends because I pick ppl to be my friends. Its not because they are not good enough for me, its just that, those people are not my type of friends. I don't want to be fake and pretend that I like them and/or want to be their friends. I just cant do it.

I have a several close friends. Some guys and some girls. It's also hard for me to find close friends. People who I can freely talk are usually my close friends. YES Danny, I consider you my close friend. People who you can trust. People who you can tell your situation/ problem and without asking, they for sure will reply or give you some kind of feedback. People who will for sure keep your secrets.

I think I am losing a few close friends. They recently moved out of SF for school. They got transfered. Well, its not really because of the transfer. when they were still here, we were already moving apart. They are all into partying, going out, drinking, etc. A total change of interest. Thats totally not me. I dont drink for the hell of it. I dont party or go out just because people ask/want me to go. I drink because I want to drink and enjoy the drink. I party because I want to be there with my friends and have fun with them. I go out because I need to enjoy my life outside of my house and I want to go out. So--> That was our opposite. WE moved apart. Stopped talking to each other. No more sharing life situations/problems. No more a lot of things.

The more they went out. The more friends they all got. All those friends replaced me. Oh well!

I dont really care because true friends will stick with me forever. Those who are not willing to keep in touch, call me to hang out, or IM me online are just not true friends. I am always online, its not hard to IM me. I also have unlimited text and they know it.

They planned a trip together. Amazing they still have so much money to go on a few day trip outside of the state. I dont have any extra money. In fact, I need some extra please. I have been knowing about this trip. HELLO FACEBOOK!! They finally asked whether I wanted to join them. I told them I dont have any extra to spend. I told them that it seems to me that they been planning it. They said yes, for about a month by now and that they didnt have the chance to ask me about it. YEA...

So here we go. I decided to move myself away from them. Like I said earlier, true friends will always stick with you. I dont want to sound desparate and I am not.

I dont need a whole lot of friends. I only need a couple or a few or several CLOSE and TRUE friends who I know will be there for me no matter what.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Today is Friday. THANK GOD its friday. I have been hating school a lot. Most of the time I'm just too lazy to do my hw and study.

These two last classes are my core classes and all you need is a D- to pass the class. That is stupid but its kinda good for students. I'm thinking to myself. I am so lazy, maybe I just get a D and pass the class and let it be. But its impossible for me to get a D. so no way. Maybe a C-. lolz. I will still try but just not as hard as I do in Fall semesters. OR maybe I'm lazy because this is my LAST and FINAL semester. WaHOO to me. I am still trying and still working hard, just just not as hard.

Seeing other seniors working so hard makes me feel bad.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Oh No

Oh NO!

I totally forgot I'm on my spring semester. Why am I so surprise? I tend to be super lazy in spring semester. I tend to work super hard in fall semester. For the last two weeks, I wondered by I am being so lazy. Today, Sunday, I just realized I'm on my spring semester. NO WONDER..It's weird but so TRUE. ah..ah..oh no..what am I going to do now. I need to push myself harder.

Monday, January 12, 2009

From today

I feel so small.

I am getting older and wiser. I am trying to look for a nice ring around and less than 50 dollars. LOLZ yes its kinda cheap but I just need something on my finger to remind me one thing. I need to love myself and let myself be myself. I cannot always adjust to people's. I cannot always do what others want me to do. OR put myself down and lower my own standards to please others. I cannot be afraid to be who I am. I cannot be afraid of being alone.

I hope to find a ring tomorrow. I told myself that I wasn't going to buy anything because I want to save but this ring means a lot to me. I need to buy one. Not diamond. I wish but no money. Without a ring, I can still remind myself of that but I like to have it on my finger 24/7. Maybe I am reminding myself a little more than just one thing.

She is gone. please RIP. Everyone will always remember you.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

third time crying. I really really feel so sad


My ex-bf of one year and two month elder sister died of blood cancer. I found out today from one of my friend. She told me that hes going to her church. She passed away on May 2008. I know her and I hung out with her before. I cannot remember what we did but she was nice and always sweet to me. I saw her as a sister. I always wanted a sister. She was someone I looked up to when I was still with my last bf. She was only 26 when she passed away. She got a transplant but unfortunately, after a month, it didnt work out for her. She passed away.

When I heard about it, I was like "NO WAY!!, she only 27" but reality is reality. My heart felt sour and my eyes were crazily watery. I wanted to cry but it didnt hit me that hard yet until I got home and started thinking whether I should email him to give him my best regards. In the end I did. After my email to him, my friend called me to give me a link about her cancer. I read it and started crying so badly. My friend soon sent me another link of what my ex sister wrote. That got me crying more and harder. I know where she works and every time when I drive by her work place, I always thought about her. She was always in my mind. I truly saw her as a sister.

AFter talking to my friend about this matter, I stopped crying. They comforted me that she is in a better place. I was like WAIT A MINUTE. Why am I this sad. I was really sad. I was sad that how can such a bright person with such a wonderful heart pass away with a chance to live but that chance of transplant was just a lie. Thats hurtful. I soon stopped crying. But almost an hour and a half, I started thinking about it again and I cried again.

I am so sad how life can be so easy...How can she have such a rare disease that maybe 1 person out of 1000 people may have it. If I knew about this earlier, I would love to visit her and get my blood tested and campaign her situation to all Asian students for help.

I dont really know why I am so sad after so many years since we broke up. I wish him and his family the best. It breaks my heart to know that she had a chance but that chance was just a joke. Please Rest in peace.

I treasure everything I have. AT least I try my very best. It makes me sad to know that some people out there still dont understand how to treasure their loving ones. Please, life is short, treasure all you have now.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Just excited

I got all my grades. I am very happy with them because I got two unexpected good grades. I thought I was gonna get a C- or not pass but I got way better than a C-. Did professors turn GOOD? Overall, I got really good grades.

Work is boring. I like to be full time or at least more flexible. LIKE, let me work more during breaks but I cannot because I am required to work the hours I have. sucks. I want another part time job.

Boyfriend....NO comment. I know how to love him and at the same time, I truly know how to hate his guts. nothing went wrong. I am just saying it.

Family. one word, worries. Please let it pass as soon as possible.

School. I will be getting my classes on Thursday. Hopefully, I get the professor I want. ONLY four classes and I am so DONE!! I hope they are good and easy professor.

Life. kinda boring but kinda relaxing. I am done with my RPG game. It's kinda fun.

I think I am getting FAT!! People never believe me but I know my body better than anyone out there. I am getting FAT. o well....I'm too lazy. I'll let it burn its own fat...slowly..HAHAHA

I have been sleeping really late.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

So much better

Its so strange how things work.

After whinning, chatting with a friend online and overnight, I felt so much better about everything.

One thing bad about me--> I think too deep and care too much about my feelings. I am so stubborn that I want things the way I like it. I cannot be like this because no one is prefect and I cannot always get what I want. I need to adjust to whatever is happening. I look too into the future and thats kinda a bad thing because I want the future to be the way I want it. Stubborn I say. SO bad.

I should just let things flow. For many years, I told myself that I need to let things flow. I cannot control anything. I cannot always get what I want. Actually, I usually dont get what I want anyways. SO. I need to relax and just let things be the way it is. Same with people.

I cannot expect my bf to make me feel the way I want to feel. I cannot expect him to treat me the way I have never been treated before. I want it so badly but again, I cannot always get what I want. Maybe I should just relax and let the relationship flow the way it should. I always rush things and I know that. I clearly see what is wrong with the relationship and I know what he and I want. I know how to fix it but I cannot work it alone. You cannot clap with only one hand. NOW, maybe for now, I should just relax and let it grow without rushing.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

A cold day

Today is one cold day. I cannot remember the last time I was this cold. Its getting cold again. WHY! I kinda want it to rain.

How I feel today?

For some reason, I feel kinda lonely. I have no idea why. I went to play badminton with bf and his friends. No reasons to feel lonely right. My right arm is hurting so I didnt play much.

I hate it when couples act so close in front of their friends and calling each other names that I just cannot stand. you know, those couple names that only couples call each other. Not to be mean now but GET A ROOM. I sat in front of them and thats kinda not a good thing. Its really sweet that they're showing each other how much they love each other but please, show some respect to your friends and not show that to us. We dont need to see any action or hear anything.

I always feel unappreciated. I don't know why I always feel that way. It's an expectation. I am trying to stop having any kind of expectation for anything because its bad to have any. When you get what you want, of course you're happy BUT when you don't, that's when it sucks.

I am so straightforward about everything. I will tell you if I dont like something. I always try my best to understand the inner me. In fact, I think I understand it a little too much. I know what I want and I know what I like and dislike. That sounds like a good thing but at times, its bad. Things cannot always go the way I want it and when it doesnt, I get upset because I know what I want and dislike. AND thats bad... for example my bf, whenever I feel upset and mad or whatever I feel, I will for sure let him know. He dont see it as sharing and communicating, (I think) he may see it more like whinning and complaining. Eventually, he gets annoyed.

I am the kind of person that I need to share my bad feelings in order to feel better. I dont like that about myself. I really want to keep some of the stuff to myself but it is bad to keep it.

NEW YEAR resolution --> be less straightforward and try to stop sharing your feelings with others.

However, I still feel thankful for being who I am today. I know how to appreciate and I know how to be thankful. Although, I may complain or whin about this and that, I am still thankful. I am not prefect. I am only a human.

Friday, January 2, 2009


I dont understand. I think guys are selfish people. I feel that guys always want their gf to do almost everything with them but when it comes doing something the gf like, they back away.

Girls will alway call the guy but guys will never try to take some time out to make a call.
Girls get worry about the guy but guys say they care and show nothing more than just saying it.
Guys like to say things and promise things without any action to back it up. In other word, BULLSHIT.
Guys always say that you are so important to them but never make you feel important

YES! I sound like I am mad..not upset. It's like WTF is wrong with you? Its such a little thing to do. Just a call to let me know about whats going on so that when I try to call you and you're not picking up, I know where you are without worrying so much. thats not fully why.

Guys likes to be cared for but never seem to care much about the girls.
Guys get mad because the gf got mad. HELLO!!
Girl gave attitube to the guy and the guy gets mad and say that its the girls problem because she gave attitube to the guy when the guy got the girl mad first. WTF
When guy finally do something sweet to the girl and girl dont seem to appreciate it and the guy gets mad and say to the girl "you're not appreciating what I am doing" DUH! that sounds familar says the girl.
Guys alway say that they understand but when it comes to it, they dont
When you're sick, the guy said "get well soon" THE END.
When the guy is sick, the girl said "get well soon" along with soup, visits, look over the poor sick person and so much more. WOW what a big difference.

YES!! I still sound upset. I just feel so invisible. I hate this feeling inside of me. It totally killing me. I want to be carefree. year resolution..COMON just let me whin and let me feel a little better after typing all these.

Happy New Year

2009 is a special year for my friends and I because most of us are graduating from college and moving on to a whole new stage of our life. =D some may move onto a master degree and others may work and maybe get marry. I may consider a master degree but I am not a school person so I must think deep into it. However, I will for sure work.

I feel happy and excited. However, the bad economy makes it a little hard to be excited. I was planning to go Hawaii for my graduation rather than walking on stage but now, no stage and no hawaii. Maybe a little mini trip or none at all. I'm a little disappointed but at the same time, I gotta do what I gotta do right? =) I will try my best!

I got three out of five grades. So far, I am very happy with them. It's what I expected. The last two grades, I am a little worry about them. I did not work as hard in these two classes than the other three. I hope for the best and if I dont do good or dont pass at all, its not a big deal, I can re-take or take something else to replace them. I just want to pass, haha, just give me a C- or whatever it takes to pass me. its expected.

NEW YEARS EVE. I had alot of fun. I planned to go watch fireworks but we ended up not doing that. In the beginning of the night, I got so upset with my bf but in the end, everything turned out just fine. I went to my bf's house and his friends came over to have a little party. The gfs and I had fun playing wii. I joined the bfs to take some shots (tequila) but soon, I joined the gfs with some the end of the night..I felt nothing...

I am just waiting to add my last semester classes and hope I can get all of them. I better. I only need four more. However, if I dont pass one or two of those two classes, that will be five or maybe six. Still good.

My new year resolution:
1) work hard in school
2) save money..more money
3) learn to control self emotion (hehehe)
4) be more carefree
5) have a little fun here and there